Boyce Avenue - Iris (Cover)
And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am..
We are our father’s sons and I wouldn’t change tha’ if I could but yer know wha’? I know how it is ter ‘ave a father like tha’ and now I know ter never make my kid feel tha’ way. My kid won’t ever wake up in tha’ middle of tha’ night ter screamin’ and I will never lay a hand on them. Our daddies fucked us up big time, Seamus but who knows tha’ shit we’d get up ter if they ‘aven’t put us back in our place, hrmm? I ain’t happy ‘bout some of tha’ shit my daddy’s done ter me or my siblings but it’s done and if I wanta forget ‘bout it or change it, I can. It ain’t gonna be easy but it’s possible, a’right? Yer know… We’re on yer side.
Yer right, yer were weak but tha’ is why yer ‘ave a family. We’re supposed ter help each other out when one of us is weak, Seamus. Yer think I don’t know how ‘ard it can be ter admit tha’ yer hurt and weak when yer the person everyone is supposed ter depend on? If yer just gonna go off like tha’ everytime yer hurt… Tha’ is not right, Seamus. Family is supposed ter stick together and meanwhile all yer fuckers are doin’ is givin’ me a damn headache. Yer weren’t poison. If yer were hurt, family woulda been there ter make tha’ burden a little lighter.
I’m gonna be honest with yer, kid. I don’t know if it’ll ever feel better when yer thinkin’ ‘bout yer brother but yer learn ‘ow ter deal with tha’ in time. Just don’t do it alone, hrmm? How did yer expect me ter react when I find out yer hangin’ out with some Italian bloke over spendin’ time with yer family? Yer even moved out of Ainsburg and I didn’t even know. And then I find out yer gay and don’t go gettin’ mad at or nuttin’, I’m just sayin’. That’s a lot fer me ter try and make sense of. Do yer ‘ave a boyfriend or sumthin’? I feel like I don’t even know anythin’ ‘bout yer life anymore. Where’s my little cousin? Is he still in there at all?
Well you are a good man Declan, I know tha’ yer would never EVER hurt yer child or treat ‘em badly. You are gonna be a great father. But me? I canny control my temper, I ‘ave issues, ones tha’ no child should ‘ave ter deal with an’ I’m a drunk, an’ angry one at tha’. I don’t think tha’ I could ever be a good father. I wouldn’t want ter fuck up my kids like tha’ way my daddy did to me. You ‘ave no idea how much he screwed me over Declan. There are some things yer just CAN’T get over Declan, I’m sorry but yer can’t. The memories are just too painful an’ they stay with you forever.
I….I didn’t want ter hurt you, hurt any of ‘em. I love them all so much an’ if I let ‘em close ter me when I was like tha’ I’d ‘ave dragged ‘em all down with me. I was a mess, I couldn’t bare ter let any of ‘em see me like tha’. I know, I KNOW I should ‘ave told someone, should ‘ave let my family close ter me but like yer said everyone was grieving tha’ loss of Rory in their own way an’ I just thought if I could get through it alone then I would be okay, tha’ I wouldn’t ‘ave ter appear weak or hurt or….just….never mind….can’t change tha’ past now, what’s done is done.
Don’t think it ever will. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to deal with it fully but maybe in time, I can learn to accept it instead of constantly blaming myself. I just…..I don’t know Declan, I’m sorry…I’m so sorry I really fuckin’ am mate. You’ve been there for me ever since I can remember. When daddy beat me real bad I always ran ter your house. When I got in fights at school you always back me up. When….when he died yer took me under yer wing, you taught me how ter be like you, be strong, be a man. I ‘ave always looked up to yer Declan, you know tha’. I wanted ter be just like you for fucks sake. I…I don’t know how we grew so far apart…I used ter be able to tell you anythin’.
After Rory died an’….I over dosed….I didn’t feel safe alone. Tha’ apartment….s’full of ghosts Declan. I mean LITERALLY….I saw Rory there….I swear on daddies grave I wasn’t high but I SAW Rory in tha’ kitchen an’ he spoke ter me an’….I…I canny go back there. Not yer anyway. I….been gay a long time, I just never been able ter accept it myself. I know it’s a lot fer you ter take on an’ I’m sorry fer dumpin’ this all on you like tha’. I….’ave someone in my life who makes me happy. I’m still ‘ere Dec. I’ve always been here I just….I just lost myself a lil’ along tha’ way. I’m so sorry fer everythin’ I need yer more than I’d ever care ter admit an’…I want things ter be like they used ter be between us.
There are many ways where our fathers failed but why are yer letting get ter yer even from tha’ grave? He’s dead, Seamus! And don’t yer go tellin’ me all this crap ‘bout how yer loved him. I know yer did. God knows I loved my daddy when he ‘ad tha’ audacity ter drag me outta bed at three in tha’ mornin’ just so he’d ‘ave a punchin’ bag ‘cause he’d lost a bet. I love me father as much as I love any of ye but fuck if I’m goin’ ter follow his example. Stop lettin’ yer daddy’s dead will curb tha’ will of his livin’ son. Yer nearin’ forty years old, Seamus. Tis time ter let him go.
But why, hrmm? Yer were alone by choice. I ‘aven’t been ‘round then ter help yer through shit but yer still had yer family. Why didn’t yer ask them ter help, hrmm? Yer think they’d leave yer hanging, lonely? Yer wanted ter be alone with yer pain and mournin’, yer didn’t ‘ave enough faith in yer family ter come lookin’ for companionship. Don’t blame it on me.
Well, yer know what? Yer not tha’ only one tha’ lost him. I know yer probably felt it tha’ most or what tha’ fuck not. I think yer should be goddamn proud of him, Seamus. All I hear from yer is ‘I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m ter blame’. Get off yer freakin’ high horse and give tha’ boy some recognition. He sacrificed himself fer his brother, he sacrificed himself fer yer. That’s how much he loved yer, that’s how well yer ‘ave raised him. He put his family before everythin’ else as you taught him too and yer know what? Yer ‘ave pushed us all away when we couldn’t goddamn help what ‘appened. Get a fuckin’ grip, O’Reilly. Practice what yer preach. Rory was a top lad, his head was in all tha’ right places. I woulda done tha’ same thing in his position so stop bein’ so fuckin’ selfish. It ain’t all ‘bout yer, Seamus. Rory was loyal till tha’ very end, tha’ least yer can do is acknowledge and respect tha’ and pray fer his forgiveness tonight ‘cause I’m damn fuckin’ sure he was well pissed at yer fer tryin’ ter kill yerself when he gave his fuckin’ life ter give yer another chance.
No matter how much we don’t want ter believe it Declan, we ARE our fathers sons. An’ nothin’ we can do will change tha’ fact. There are just some thing tha’ we canny change an’ our blood is one of ‘em. Our fathers sins live on through us an’ tha’ is damn well evident Say it all yer want but it ain’t tha’ easy. Yer think if I could I WOULD ‘ave changed by now? Like yer said I’m almost fuckin’ forty yer think I still wanna live my life in fear like I am right now? Hell no I don’t, but it ain’t tha’ hard to forget.
I….I….didn’t want them ter see me like tha’. I was so weak. I was tryin’ ter protect my brothers an’ sisters by pushin’ them away. I was weak. So weak. They didn’t need ter see me like tha, I wanted them ter think I was strong but I wasn’t. I just wanted ter keep ‘em safe. I needed ter keep ‘em away from me. I was like poison.
SO PROUD. Yer ‘ave no idea how so. But I would give anythin’ ter have him back. I….I thought maybe if I made a deal with god, maybe I could give my life fer him, maybe I could bring him back. I….I wasn’t thinkin’ straight okay? I just wanted ter do anything, somethin’, I felt so fuckin’ helpless, so worthless. I loved him so much an’…yer…I did push you all away. I didn’t want ter let any of yer close ter me when I was hurting so badly because I didn’t want ter imagine ‘aving ter lose anyone else. I just wanted ter block out tha’ whole world. Yer of course I fuckin’ regret tryin’ ter take my own life. It was selfish an’ stupid an’ of course I fuckin’ regret it. I know he was loyal, I know how much he loved me and I loved him to the end an’ I just….I just MISS him SO MUCH Declan. I thought things would get easier, I thought movin’ out of Ainsburg, keepin’ my distance from yer all, I thought tha’ would help me get better but it hasn’t, it still hurts like a cut tha’ I just keep pickin’ tha’ scab off of.
Fine. Yer ‘ave made it blatantly clear yer not ready ter listen ter nuttin’ I ‘ave got ter say on the issue.
Why are yer ashamed of the label, hrmm? Why are yer so adamant ‘bout it? Sounds ter me like yer just a teeny bit uncomfortable in yer own skin, boy.
If yer must know I’ve been ter Ireland. Sera needed particular attention there, ain’t gonna bore yer with tha’ details, mate. Yer ‘ave been much too absorbed with yer own hurt feels.
I sure as ‘ell ‘aven’t gotten tha’ chance ter congratulate yer on yer wonderful suicide idea by tha’ way. Top notch selfishness Seamus. Let’s forget tha’ fact tha’ yer ‘ave family out there tha’ is also mournin’ yer brother and just add another death ter tha’. Fuckin’ splendid idea so it was.
You wonder WHY I ain’t comfortable in my own skin when I was belt buckle beaten like a brat since I can REMEMBER fer bein’ a ‘sinner’? You think it’s been fuckin’ EASY for me to accept myself?! NO I fuckin’ hate myself an’ everythin’ tha’ I am and you don’t even know how hard it has been fer me ter get this point in my life where I am finally starting to realise tha’ I can’t CHANGE who I fuckin’ am.
Well you weren’t THERE Declan….you weren’t THERE when I needed you….an’ I needed you so badly. But I was alone. I didn’t ‘ave anyone….
No….NO you don’t fuckin’ get ter stand there an’ judge me Declan. FUCK YOU. You don’t know what it’s been like, yer don’t know how fuckin’ hard my life ‘as been and he was one of tha’ only good things in it. I was SO proud of him. He was more than a fuckin’ brother to me, he was like my god damn son. An’ they took him away from me….an’ murdered him. An’ it was ALL my fault Declan. I ‘ave his blood on my fuckin’ hands. You don’t KNOW wha’ it was like ter feel THA’ guilty. To feel like yer nothin’. I just wanted to stop feelin’ tha’ way. I just wanted to be numb. Damn right I was fuckin’ selfish but didn’t I ‘ave a right to be? I ‘ad him ripped away from me.
Keep yer fuckin’ temper in check, Seamus. I ain’t screamin’ at yer so lower yer fuckin’ voice.
Then wha’ are yer? Yer gay, is tha’ wha’ yer want me ter call it?
Then how come today’s been tha’ first I’ve ever heard of him, hrmm?
Yer know I ‘ave a fuckin’ issue with tha’ at tha BEST of times let alone when I’m fuckin’ PISSED. Don’t TELL me what tha’ fuck to do.
I ain’t NUTTIN’. Nuttin’ tha’ yer need ter put a fuckin’ label on. I’m yer cousin, I’m Seamus. You don’t NEED ter call me anythin’.
Where ‘ave you been in my life recently Declan huh? I’ve been livin’ with him since Rory died. He’s saved my life TWICE. I’d be dead if it wasn’t for him.
Calm tha’ fuck down boy ‘cause yer gettin’ all worked up and before yer know it we’ll be swingin’ punches and yer will go off into yer own world again. Now I’ve got a baby on tha’ way and Sera’s tellin’ me ter cool it so cool it I fuckin’ will. I ain’t treatin’ yer any different ‘cause yer a poof. Yer sex life is of no interest ter me.
Does tha’ Italian know? Tha’ is my concern, Seamus. Yer tell these things ter strangers but yer canny even talk ter yer family ‘bout it.
I ‘ave a damn right ter be worked up over this shit. Just….I ain’t gonna fuckin’ hit yer though so forget it. Don’t fuckin’ call me tha’ I ain’t a fuckin’ poof. Or a queer or a faggot or nuttin’. Jesus fuckin’ CHRIST Declan as Irish don’t we get enough fuckin’ slurs thrown at us with out you adding more fuel to tha’ fuckin’ fire.
What he knows is NONE of yer fuckin’ business Declan. He ain’t a stranger he’s my best mate an’ he’s been there for me more times than I can imagine.
21st of May, 2015 - Sicily
Jessica Lowndes & Alex O’LoughlinFiona ‘Doll Face’ O’Reilly and Seamus ‘The Butcher’ O’Reilly - requested by theirishbutcher.